


Sciamachy

by xuhei



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Best Friends, F/M, Friends to Lovers, I PROMISE THIS ISNT ENTIRELY BASED OFF THE WITHOUT YOU MV, I can't remember who else is in this bc I didn't include everyone, but - Freeform, why is taeil/everyone a tag what are you DOING
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-20
Updated: 2017-12-20
Packaged: 2019-02-17 14:01:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13078371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xuhei/pseuds/xuhei
Summary: sciamachy - (n.) a battle against an imaginary enemy“I think that I’ve been in love with her since I first knew her. When we were in school together I would always see her around and I couldn’t ever look away. I’d watch her from the other side of class and my heart would miss a few beats if she looked back over to me. Every minute we’re together I dedicate more and more of myself to her. Even if she just sees me as her best friend, I don’t think that I could fall out of love with her. I love her too much.”





	Sciamachy

Broken heart?

He’d seen it. He’d watched you cry your eyes out one night because of some asshole that thought you weren’t worth it. He’d sat with you until four in the morning because you couldn’t sleep. He’d reassured you when you felt like that was the end for you. He’d told you differently when you thought you’d never find anyone who did truly like you.

Failed relationship?

He’d offered to get his friends on each one that broke up with you. He’d pouted when you said no and told you it was the best solution to them being so bad to you. He’d watched movies with you for the rest of the night and made sure you were always smiling. He’d glared across the room whenever he saw anyone he remembered.

Love?

He’d never been able to tell you.

_He’d never been able to tell you._

Taeil blames himself. He’s shy and hates the emotions that creep over him and start to make his heart hurt. When he gets a text from you, he hates how there’s a smile that falls onto his lips and he can’t concentrate for a second. It’s hard for him, really – if Taeyong ever told anyone how many times Taeil had _actually_ dropped cups of coffee and gave a customer the wrong order because he was busy texting you, there would be _many_ problems.

But he likes it. Taeil, strangely enough, is a slave to his emotions. He hates them as much as he loves the feeling of joy that surges through his body when he’s with you. When he catches you looking over to him from the other side of the room, he thinks that he might actually lose his mind.

He’s _lost his mind_ quite a few times though. You’re always in the café where he works and you’re always distracting him to the point where older ladies start asking him about how long the two of you have been together.

Because he stares at you, too. For far longer. He watches you when he’s filling cups up with water and he is mouthing things to you when he’s trying – but ultimately failing – to use the toasting machine that Taeyong never fully trained him on.

“I can’t believe she’s not here yet.” Taeil looks over from the worktop he’s idly cleaning to meet Taeyong’s harsh gaze. “Did you two have some kind of argument?”

Taeil worries for a moment as to whether he may have actually annoyed you. He thinks back to the night before but can’t seem to recall anything. The two of you had started a new drama and were up until two am watching – it would have been later if Taeil’s roommate, Yuta, hadn’t have been so complaintive about the noise the TV was making.

He shakes his head. “Not that I know of.”

“You know she contributes to about forty per cent of the total sales we make. I think you need to warn her about the fact she spends _way_ too much money on coffee and food here.”

“You’re going to complain about reaching the weekly sales target because of her?” Taeil questions, raising his brow. Taeyong _of course_ backs off and goes back to cleaning. “Besides, she’s probably busy. She’s allowed to have her own life outside of _here_.”

Taeyong scoffs. “You’re telling me that she’s got friends other than us and your roommates?”

“Yeah.”

“Like who?”

“Like…” Taeil pauses as he thinks through the list of names he stores mentally. Though you _do_ spend the majority of your free time with him, his flatmates or your own flatmate, he knows you have friends at work that are _far_ more social than he will ever be. They’re the type to go out to clubs and drink excessively. That’s never really been his thing. “Juhyun and Sooyoung are probably doing something with her. She said something about Juhyun going shopping for a wedding dress at some point.”

There’s a brief silence as Taeyong tries to recall the faces of the two girls. “Is Juhyun the one who has the light brown hair? Dyed it purple once? Doesn’t eat chicken and doesn’t drink coffee?”

“Why do you know that she doesn’t like chicken?” Taeil asks.

“Because I asked her. She has a really nice smile. I thought I had a chance with her because she was (y/n)’s friend and because she said I make nice tea. Oh! She also was telling me about this book she liked. I can’t believe she’s getting married. I wouldn’t have guessed.”

“Why would you think she liked you because she said you make nice _tea_?” Taeil continues to question Taeyong’s reasoning. Despite the fact Taeyong looks back to him with a completely blank face, he carries on. “You’re as bad as those netizens online claiming two idols who wear similar clothes or jewellery are dating. She’s getting married to a lawyer. Junmyeon, I think.”

Taeyong pouts a little, scratching the back of his neck. “I guess I have to have a decent job for someone to like me.”

“You’ve had girlfriends before, haven’t you?”

Humming, Taeyong dumps his cloth in the sink and brings a small cup from the other side of the room to get himself some expresso. “Yeah, before I worked here. Maybe this café is girl repellent. But then again, in fanfiction about idols, all the girls fall for baristas. Coffee shop stories are popular!”

“It must be your face then.”

“It must be your face too!” Taeyong throws back, _obviously_ offended by Taeil’s comments.

The pair have been friends since Taeil started working at the café about a year and a half ago. They didn’t really get on well at first because Taeyong – and Taeil remembers this perfectly – was _threatened by Taeil’s ease at picking things up, and his good looks,_ but they eventually settled their differences and here they are now.

He does try to use it as a distraction from the thought in his mind of where you actually may be. He doesn’t want to call you and act like some possessive best friend – lord knows he’ll be called your boyfriend again if he does _that_. He’s worried that maybe something has happened because you haven’t text him since this morning and his last text was _do you want to get dinner tonight?_

You were meant to answer him but you hadn’t. It occupies Taeil’s mind as he finishes what he’s doing and listens to Taeyong complain about the fact he’ll never find anyone to date and his parents will be disappointed in him for it. Another thought that occupies Taeil’s mind is marriage but he manages to push it aside. You’re more important.  

He swears by it that when he hears your voice from the entrance to the café, everything in his mind is blank.

Because, even though Taeil won’t admit it to anyone but himself, you’re one of the last things in his life that really does mean anything to him anymore. He’s smitten by the very thought of you, yet you’re the one who can send him straight back down to the depths of his own hell, too.

“Hi!” you greet, approaching the counter with a smile. Taeil is quick to look up to you, ready to give his own greeting, but his words are crushed by the boy who’s following behind you. “Taeil, Taeyong, this is Chanyeol. We work together. Chanyeol, these are my friends.”

 _Chanyeol_ is taller than _Johnny_. He has raven back hair that’s curly, and eyes that remind Taeil of an elf. He looks professional, too, wearing that’s suit and expensive shoes. His watch is probably worth more than Taeil’s salary in an entire year. The surge of jealously that runs through Taeil’s veins has to be subsided when Taeyong greets Chanyeol. He has to do the same or you’ll question him about it later.

Lord knows you’ve done that before.

The last boyfriend you introduced Taeil to was messy. Taeil didn’t understand how you could want to go on a date with a boy who acted like a five-year-old and couldn’t spell properly. Baekhyun, _he thinks that was his name_ , was a decent looking boy that Taeil had hesitated to say hello to. Thus began your hundreds of questions about whether Taeil thought Baekhyun was good enough.

He said yes, of course. Reality states that Taeil would never think _anyone_ was good enough for you.

“Hey,” Taeil says, offering a smile to Chanyeol despite the fire that burned inside him. There was something about Chanyeol that Taeil didn’t like, but he couldn’t put his finger on it. Maybe it was the _player_ vibe he gave off. “Nice to meet you, I’m Taeil.”

“I’ve heard lots about you, Taeil. Nice to finally see you in person.”

Chanyeol’s words seem to be friendly, but Taeil is reminded of the last time someone said that to him. It was someone you dated in high school named Kim Jongin, who was friends with Johnny too. When Taeil met Jongin, Jongin’s first words were _how nice it is to finally meet you_.

Then he confronted Taeil for ruining his relationship with you. As nice as it was to hear that you picked Taeil over Jongin, he didn’t enjoy the fact that you were suffering because of him.

“Can I get you anything?” Taeil asks. His choice to ignore Chanyeol’s statement may avoid any awkward silences.

“Hmm… I’ll have what I usually have,” you state, looking to Taeil. He tries to hold your stare for as long as possible but you turn back to Chanyeol before Taeil can add any words. “Chanyeol?”

Chanyeol looks up to the menu and spends a few moments reading through. Taeil can feel Taeyong watching over the situation from the other side of the counter but he ignores it. Taeyong’s probably worked out that Taeil’s not fond of this guy. “Flat white. Why don’t you get a table (y/n)? I’ll pay.”

“Are you sure?”

Chanyeol nods. “It’s fine. Go. I won’t be a minute.”

Taeil’s heart sinks with the smile you give to Chanyeol. He’s seen that look before. You’d given it to Oh Sehun a lot. Oh Sehun was the first boy he thought you may stay with. It was a shame that the boy broke your heart before moving to China so he could work with an old friend of his. Taeil still thinks to this day that you’d have moved with Sehun if he asked you to – it was your longest relationship, after all.

Chanyeol has one of those flashy credit cards that only people who have a well-paying job can get. He barely gives Taeil a second glance as he waits for his drinks to take back to you. Taeil shouldn’t feel as offended as he does at how Chanyeol looks down on him because he doesn’t have some flashy title, but all of your other boyfriends have been nice to him. They’ve make small talk with him and they’ve talked about you.

Chanyeol’s just on his phone, texting someone. You’re sitting back at your table with a timid look on your face, gazing back over to the counter as you wait for Chanyeol to come back. You spare Taeil one glance which is met by a cheerful smile from him in an attempt to make you a little happier.

He doesn’t know what you see in Chanyeol yet, but he knows that you’re far more interested in him than the opposite. He can tell because he’s watching you the entire time you two are sat together. It’s so bad that Taeyong has to start taking customers’ orders so that Taeil doesn’t mess them up.

Nothing has really changed, though. He’s watching from afar hoping that you don’t get your heart broken again, and you’re falling for someone who doesn’t care as much as Taeil does.

_I can’t do tonight! Do you want to do something tomorrow instead? Oh, did you like Chanyeol, too? He said that he thought you were nice!_

✿✿✿✿

You’re sitting beside Taeil, the two of you not really paying attention to whatever reality show is on TV, when Johnny decides to join the two of you.

Taeil and you had both been friends with Johnny since school. He’d grown up in America but his parents moved here for work and he was made to follow. Taeil had _tried_ taking English lessons from Johnny so that he could join in your English conversations but he never really got past the lesson on grammar. He respected the both of you for learning Korean. Sicheng and Yuta, too. Languages were too much for him.

But he did try. He’d listen to you speaking English and try to pick up on certain phrases you said which he practiced when he couldn’t sleep. On the occasion he felt like he could handle a conversation with you in English, he’d say hello and you’d ask if he was okay and after that it was a bit messy. Unless it was over text. Taeil could write more than he could speak.

Though he’s not really sure why Johnny is here today. He’s usually out with his friends Jaehyun and Doyoung. The two of you greet him anyway and he sits on the chair opposite to you with a mischievous look on his face.

“Are you okay, Johnny?” you ask. Taeil looks to you then back to Johnny, happy you picked up on his unusual demeanour as well.

He hums, pulling out his phone as he leans back against the chair. “Jaehyun ditched me for his girlfriend. Doyoung… ditched me for a date. Just the usual.”

“Oh, that sucks.” Taeil is trying to pay close attention because you’re both speaking in English. He understood _most_ of what you both said but he doesn’t answer in case he’s wrong. He’d rather be quiet than embarrass himself. “We’ll both be here all day. You can hang out with us instead.”

Johnny scowls, shaking his head. “Spending too much time with the married couple of our group is not something I really _want_ to do.”

“Harsh much.”

_Did Johnny just say you were married to each other?_

Taeil refrains from talking still. He’s sure that Johnny said you’re married but it may be one of those sayings that you’d told him about before. A metaphor, something like that. He won’t think that much into it for now.

“I’m joking. What are you guys doing today?” Johnny asks.

“Nothing,” you answer. You look over to Taeil and then laugh to yourself. “I’m thinking maybe I can set Taeil up with one of my friends.”

Johnny raises his eyebrows. “Which one?”

“Sooyoung said he was cute,” you answer, “I don’t know how compatible they are but I can see it happening. She’d be a good girlfriend. Don’t you think?”

Taeil, in the meantime, is struggle to translate what you’re saying back into Korean and his google translate app isn’t working very well. It’s voice recognition technology isn’t _that_ good and he can’t get exact words that he can type in because he doesn’t know the spelling of them. He guesses he’ll have to revert to Korean.

“Are you talking about me in English so that I don’t know what you’re saying?” Taeil asks. He sends glares to both you and shakes his head. “I can understand some parts of what you’re saying, you know.”

Johnny rolls his eyes. He switches back to Korean too, thank god. “Tell me what we were saying then.”

Taeil, though ready to argue back with his younger, bites back his reply because he can’t actually answer. He doesn’t _really_ know what you said but you _did_ say his name, friend, Sooyoung and girlfriend. What kind of logical statement comes from that? He tries to think about what he was going to say in English but it doesn’t work.

“You were talking about me, and about Sooyoung’s girlfriend.”

Judging by the blank looks that both you and Johnny give him, Taeil figures he’s wrong. He sinks back into his seat and looks over to the TV with a pout. He can feel you watching him but he has to ignore it because his cheeks are getting hot and he doesn’t want to blush too hard.

“I don’t think Taeil wants you to set him up with anyone,” Johnny says. He says it in Korean – _thank god –_ and Taeil immediately looks over with wide eyes. “Plus, don’t you think Sooyoung is a little…How do I put it. _Different_ to him?”

You shrug. “Not really. She’s looking for someone to date. What if I set you up with her? Do you like her?”

“I’m okay.”

“Are you sure? I can always slip in that you wanted her number or something.”

“I’m sure I’m okay. Honestly.”

You shake your head and turn away from Johnny, looking over to Taeil. “Don’t listen to Johnny. If you want me to set you up with anyone, I will. I’m a great wing-man, you know.”

“I don’t want you to,” Taeil answers.

“You two both aren’t any fun.”

It’s not reasonable for Taeil to ask you to set him up with yourself, and he doesn’t want you to set him up with anyone else because he doesn’t want you to think he’s not interested in you if the time ever did come where you did like him.  

“Why don’t we set you up with someone?” Johnny asks, his question directed towards you. “I mean, you and Taeil _are_ our resident married couple so why don’t you two just skip the altercations and get together now?”

Taeil’s eyes are wide. Johnny _did_ just say that. “She has a boyfriend.”

“Yeah,” you answer. You nod quickly and avoid looking back to Taeil. “I’m seeing this guy called Chanyeol. He… _uh_ …yeah. I’m with him now.”

“Oh, sorry, I didn’t know.”

Johnny’s apology seems to be cut short. He’s looking over to Taeil with an indistinguishable look. Perhaps Taeil was far more obvious about things than he thought he was. Johnny was smart and good with people. He’d probably pick on the fact that Taeil was infatuated with you.

“It’s only been like… two weeks?” you answer. You take a moment as you check your phone screen and Taeil can clearly see a text from Chanyeol that you’re not answering. “He’s nice. He works for the same company as me but different department. I didn’t want to introduce him to everyone without making sure that the two of us could actually work out, you know?”

He hums. “Fair enough. I’m still a little hurt that Taeil got to meet him and not me. Next thing you’ll be telling me that Taeyong got to meet him too.”

“Well…”

“He did!” Johnny feigns his own disappointment as he turns away from the two of you. “I’m hurt. I thought that we were friends. Next thing I know you’ll be telling me that Taeil can help you organise the wedding and not me.”

Johnny doesn’t _mean_ to make you fall silent. Taeil knows that he’s pressed one of your buttons because of the way your face falls and you bite down on your lip. Your phone vibrates on your leg and he tries to shift his head so that he can see the text. It’s from Chanyeol again but he can’t quite make out the words. All he knows is that you don’t pay too much attention to it.

Like you said, it had only been two weeks. You wouldn’t yet know how much you actually liked Chanyeol but Taeil could tell that you did have _something_ for him, even if it was just him being rich and looking like the perfect boyfriend.

Wait, no. You’re not a kind of gold digger. Taeil would be unfair to label you like that. But Chanyeol _was_ the perfect boyfriend. Tall and messy hair and he probably smelt nice. Taeil had tried a new kind of aftershave but it wasn’t really his type and his hair was starting to lose it’s curl since he stopped putting so much effort into curling it. As for tall, he wasn’t _that_ tall. Even Sicheng was taller than him.

“We’re not going to get married,” you state, voice rather quiet as you answer Johnny.

He looks back with a raised eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, it’s been two weeks. Plus I don’t think Chanyeol is really the married type. He likes his job and I think it would get in the way of things. But like I said, it’s only been two weeks! I’m not thinking of marriage yet. Jesus.”

“But you’ve always wanted to get married,” Taeil says softly.

“Yeah, I remember you saying,” Johnny continues. He picks up from Taeil and he’s _so_ happy that he doesn’t have to finish that. He didn’t want to end up saying _I’ll marry you_ by accident. “If he’s not interested in marriage then what’s the point of being with him? Do you even see a future with him?”

You’re silent. It’s _so_ silent that Taeil can hear his own heart beat over the empty space around him. He’s not sure if you’re not answering because you don’t know an answer, or if you don’t want to say an answer. Either way, he decides to stop Johnny from asking any more questions.

“Why are you so interested in relationships, Johnny?” he asks, “is it because you haven’t got your own? It’s fine. (y/n) and I will sort that out for you, we’ll set you up with one of her friends and you can focus on your own relationship instead of hers, huh?”

Johnny groans, shaking his head. He pulls out his phone again and unlocks it, beginning to type as message before he replies. “I don’t need a relationship of my own.”

“Then stop asking about ours!”

Taeil may have been a little harsh. Oh well.

✿✿✿✿

Taeil finds himself in a jewellery store after going to the local shopping mall to find a new coat. He’d been walking through when an advertisement for engagement rings caught his eye and he had to look at them.

Yes, he’s getting ahead of himself. How can someone who can’t confess their feelings possibly think about marriage? It’s simple. He knows that you think about marriage a lot. You’ve brought it up in front of him, that you’d seen dresses that you’d liked and you always wanted that specific type of flower on each table that he can’t remember now.

That led to him often searching things for himself, too. He’d tried to imagine you in those dresses and how you’d look standing across from him at the altar looking beautiful as ever. He’d hold your hand so tight and wouldn’t hesitate to say I do. Spending the rest of his life with you would be a blessing.

A boy can dream.

He’s browsing through the engagement rings that are on display when a familiar laugh catches his attention. At first he’s not sure where he’s heard it from. Possibly one of Johnny’s friends from where he works, or maybe it’s an idol he’s heard on TV. He’s not sure until he looks up.

He’s _very_ sure of who he’s heard when he sees that familiar black coat and black hair and black jeans. He still looks like one of those undercover rich men in disguise that like to prey on innocent girls and make them fall in love for no reason. Park Chanyeol isn’t _easy_ for Taeil to forget.

The girl that Chanyeol is standing with, though, she’s not someone who Taeil knows. It’s not you, but she seems to be in the same position as you. Chanyeol has his arm around her shoulders and is pulling her with him through the displays of necklaces. By the looks of things, he’s promising her a necklace.

Chanyeol _is_ one of those undercover rich men in disguise that prey on innocent girls and make them fall in love for no reason.

“Can I help you, sir?” one of the shop assistants asks. It startles Taeil a little, since he was so engrossed in making out the words that fall from Chanyeol’s lips. He was half-way through lip reading a sentence before he was _rudely_ interrupted. “Are you looking for anything in particular?”

Taeil looks between Chanyeol, his _girl_ friend and the shop assistant. It would look a bit strange if Chanyeol caught him watching them. “I’m just looking.”

“At engagement rings?” she asks him. There’s a smile on her face that Taeil brushes off to make sure he can catch if the pair leave the store.

“Yeah,” he answers simply. He looks back to the lady and prays that she’ll walk away and leave him to his own business. Unfortunately he knows how these sales people work, they’ll try to force him into buying something; _anything_. “Just looking. I don’t plan on buying anything yet.”

She smiles widely, reminiscing her own relationship at a young age. “She’s a lucky girl to have someone as good-looking as you are. How long have you been together?”

Taeil doesn’t miss that question. He turns back to the lady with wide eyes and a dry mouth. “Sorry?”

“You and your girlfriend. You’re looking at rings for her, aren’t you?”

“Right,” Taeil stutters.

“How long have you been together?” she asks again.

The lady turns her attention back to the rings as Taeil thinks of the best way to get himself out of this situation. He can lie about being engaged to someone because he’s unlikely to come back here. He thinks, anyway. “Since high school.”

“Really?” Her expression shows how surprised she is. She’s probably seen a lot of couples in here who have been together for barely six months before they decide to get married. “That’s such a long time. I’m jealous. You two must love each other a lot to stay together for this long.”

Taeil nods, humming at her statement. He’s not sure how old he assumes she is, but he’ll accept it for the moment so he can turn his attention back to Chanyeol and see what he’s doing. He’s gotten a store assistant to bring out a necklace for the girl he’s with to try on, and he’s offering lots of compliments as far as Taeil can see. That, or she’s blushing and pushing at his arms for no reason.

He could be wrong, though. This could be completely innocent. Chanyeol could be looking at necklaces for you and asking one of his friends to try it on. He can’t tell you in case he’s wrong and you hate him for it. He can’t tell you because… you might think he’s trying to sabotage your relationship.

You might think _he’s_ the reason none of your relationships worked out. Why would you want to be _friends_ with someone who did that?

“Have you seen any that you like?” the lady asks this time.

Taeil rips his gaze from Chanyeol and looks shyly towards the assistant instead. “Not yet. No.”

“Maybe I can help then?” she suggests. She runs her hands across her jacket and then brings them across her chest. “Do you have a picture of your girlfriend?”

“ _Uh_ —Sure.”

Taeil takes his phone from his pocket and he brings up a photo of the two of you, showing it to the lady but trying to be _as_ discreet as he can so he doesn’t attract the attention of Chanyeol. Who, by the way, is still gushing over how good the necklace looks on the girl.

“You’re so cute!” Her excitement at your relationship is apparent and it brings a smile to Taeil’s lips. His heart sinks a little as he realises that this is a lie, but he can’t do anything about it now. The lady is observing his phone when a thought pops into her head – she looks up to Taeil with raised brows. “She’s been in here before to look at the rings. I spoke to her about them before. I never would have guessed that you were her boyfriend!”

“Oh…” Taeil’s voice becomes quiet as he looks over to Chanyeol again. Whatever they’re doing, the lady is inviting them over to the counter to pay for something. He’s also disappointed that the lady didn’t think you’d date him.

“It’s nothing bad! I think I remember your name…” the lady brings her hand to her chin and hums to herself as she observes Taeil’s face. He feels a little embarrassed but he’s caught off guard by the memory of a dream he had when he was much younger where he proposed to you. “Your name is Taeil! I remember he saying it. She seemed as though she loved you a lot. I’m glad you two are going to get married. I can see a long future between the two of you. Would you like me to show you which one of the rings she liked the most?”

Taeil nods. He doesn’t think that declining her offer would go down well, and he’s intrigued anyway. You had mentioned him when you came in here? She must have mistaken you calling someone else your boyfriend for him. He doesn’t know when you last came in here, though. It must have been somewhat recent for the lady to remember his name.

“She liked this one.”

He’s pointed towards a rather plain ring. Taeil should have expected something like that from you, really, but he can’t imagine anything but the best for you. He has a savings account that he’s kept since he first started working that he adds money to each month. He’s got a fair amount in there now. He could use that to buy whatever he wanted for you.

Because he doesn’t have that flashy job like Chanyeol does. Hell, he doesn’t earn nearly enough money to buy all of his friends birthday and Christmas gifts each year. He’ll never have one of those gold credit cards to pay for things for you. Maybe that was why he was jealous of Chanyeol – he could give you everything you ever wanted, and more.

More than Taeil could ever give you materialistically.

In terms of love, he could give you so much more.

“She said that she liked the fact that it wasn’t too over the top,” she tells him. She unlocks the glass and pulls out the exact ring so that she can hand it to Taeil. He takes it carefully in it’s box to look at it, observing all of it’s fine details. Only the best for you. “I wondered why she would like something so plain. She’s a beautiful girl, I thought a ring that had many diamonds would look best.”

Taeil would have agreed at first. He would have gone straight past this because he thought it was too little compared to what you deserve. “I think it’s perfect for her.”

He’d love to give you the world if he could.

If he was rich enough, he’d buy you everything. If he was powerful enough, he’d win everything for you. If he was yours, he’d do anything for you.

But Taeil realises that you’ve never wanted the world. The little things means more to you than over the top ways of saying I love you and flashy rings and expensive cars. Flowers meant more than diamonds. Kisses meant more than gifts. Being together meant more than money.

He’ll _still_ never see himself as good enough though.

There’s those boys like Park Chanyeol that still exist, that’s why. The ones who steal your heart and break it. He’s always there to mend it.

As much as Taeil tells himself he can get over it, he can’t. He turns down the lady’s offer to pack your things but it’s rejected and he walks out of the store emptyhanded. Maybe he feels sorry for himself; he can’t be honest about his feelings because he’s _scared_.

What kind of lame excuse is that? He’s not sure what he can say. No one should be scared about their feelings. Taeil could easily say he cried at a film or that he cried when his dog died. Yet telling you that he was so deeply in love with you that almost every thought he had was about you posed as a challenge to him.

He doesn’t know what to say when he sees the girl that Chanyeol was with thank him and kiss him for the gift when he walks out of the store, either.

✿✿✿✿

“Hello, is this Taeil?”

Though he hums, the very boy can’t really hear what’s being said over the loud music in the background. He pulls the phone from his ear to check who was calling him and he confirms that it’s _your_ phone, but the male voice on the other end definitely doesn’t belong to you.

“Do you know someone called (y/n?)” they ask. He’s suddenly far more awake and everyone in the room is watching him as he confirms the question. “She needs someone to get her. Will you be able to pick her up?”

Taeil says he will – he wouldn’t have left you even if it was three in the morning and he was laying on a hospital bed with no way of moving – and somehow gets Johnny to agree to driving. He manages to find out from the bartender (who he’d thank over and over) that you were currently at one of those overly priced rooftop bars in the city and you weren’t in the best of states.

Oh, and that you’d been asking for Taeil for the past hour because the _two girls she was with ditched her, I think they went somewhere else – but she won’t be able to get home like this_.

If he had known you were going to go out tonight he would have tried to persuade you otherwise. The last time you decided you _were_ going to drink was at the surprise party that was thrown for Yuta and Sicheng, and that was the least bit pretty. At least then you had Taeil who got you home and slept on the floor beside your bed to make sure nothing happened in the middle of the night.

But you hadn’t said anything to him since last night. Your phone had been off all day and you hadn’t been home all day.

Taeil gets Johnny to wait in the car outside so that he can find you. He’s far from dressed for the occasion – his old jumper immediately makes him look out of place and he can feel the glares from the better dressed men around him.

He pushes past the crowd until he can see the bar that was described to him earlier. It’s only a small one with LED blue lights around it, but he can make out your figure that’s eagerly talking to the bartender whilst trying to keep yourself upright. Taeil’s worry clears for the moment.

“Taeil!” you shout, voice barely audible over the music. He’s stood in front of you with a stern look on his face, but you ignore it and instead throw your arms around him. He can only keep that uptight look on his face for a moment. Your perfume and warmth engulfs him completely. “I missed you. Do you know how much I missed you?”

He stifles a laugh as you pull back to look him in the eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“Why are you apologising? Did you do something wrong?”

“I should have been here with you,” Taeil says. He hesitates to push your hair back behind your ear, but does it so that he can look down into your eyes for longer. He thinks that it’s cute, but he’s worried about keeping you here for too long. “Should we go? I’ll take you home.”

You shake your head. The pout on your lips melts his heart. “I don’t want to go home. I want to stay with you. Don’t leave me alone, Tae.”

“Do you want to go back to mine then?” Taeil asks.

“Is Sicheng there?” you return. Your eyes are bright and Taeil shouldn’t feel as jealous as he does. “I haven’t seen him in so long. I need to talk to him. Can I sleep at yours tonight? Is that okay?”

Even if you asking for Sicheng made Taeil a little jealous, he didn’t turn you down. He somehow manages to use the Sicheng card to get you out of the door and into Johnny’s car, just so that you’re both not stuck in there and people aren’t staring him down and checking you out. He wonders why you never called Chanyeol for help, too.

Though the whole journey, he’s distracted. You’re trying to talk to Johnny about something in English and it isn’t really working because your Korean was already messy. Taeil tries to get your seatbelt on but you keep taking it off, which results in him having to hold you close to him to prevent any injuries. Then you rest your head on his shoulder as you play with his hand, and Taeil can’t speak. He knows that Johnny’s watching from the front with a smug look on his face.

You hold his hand as he walks you into the building behind Johnny. Both Yuta and Sicheng are there when the three of you walk into the living room, and both seem as confused as they could have been. They both immediately look to your hand that’s curled around Taeil’s and don’t quite catch onto what’s happened.

“Hi guys!” Your over-enthusiastic voice causes Yuta to frown. Sicheng on the other hand waves, bright smile on his lips as usual. “Taeil is letting me stay here tonight! He’s so nice. Don’t you think he’s so nice?”

Sicheng is the first to answer. “Hyung is nice.”

“Are you watching something?” you ask.

“Sicheng and I started a new drama,” Yuta answers. He’s caught onto the fact you’re not yourself because usually you would have just sat down with them and you wouldn’t have asked so many questions. “Do you want to watch it with us?”

You look up to Taeil and raise your eyebrows. He’s already looking to you, but luckily you won’t remember catching him this time. “Can I?”

He’s surprised by you asking for permission, as is Johnny who heard it too. He decides to leave the conversation, Sicheng and Yuta waiting across the room for an answer. It would give him a moment to clear his head and focus on looking after you, but it meant you’d be with Sicheng and despite every good bone in his body he didn’t want you be with him. He’d have to sacrifice it. Just for a moment.

“Of course,” he says. He brings his over hand to rest over your own, reassuring you with the stroke of his thumb. “I’ll be back in a second.”

He can’t bear to watch as you sit down with Sicheng. He doesn’t know what you do, or say, but he doesn’t want to know either. Instead, he locks himself in this bedroom and leans his head bac against the door in complete frustration.

Taeil honestly thinks he’s going crazy.

His hand burns from where you held it and his heart is thumping. He loves you _so_ so much that it hurts him, but he can’t tell you. He’d rather live in silence so that you could be happy. His happiness is your happiness, and even if he sounds like he’s stuck in some idea that soulmates really do exist, he doesn’t care.

He won’t lose you.

He _can’t_ lose you.

So he manages to keep himself calm as he finds some of his clothes for you to wear. He shakes his head of all the feelings of jealous and hatred and _regret_ from his mind as he walks back out into the main room and meets your eyes as soon as he steps through the doorway.

It turns out that it doesn’t take much for Taeil’s mind to be filled with those three emotions again. First it’s Sicheng’s hand that’s on your forearm, then it’s how you smile at him. He hates himself for not just telling you. Why can’t he just tell you? Why is he doing this to himself?

There’s the regret.

He gets you away from Yuta and Sicheng by telling you that he needs to talk to you. He feels bad for dragging you away from them, he really does. But, he knows that the jeans and top you’re wearing are hardly comfortable and he can see it in your eyes that something is wrong. He can tell, too, when you cling to his side as he leads you to his room.

“Did you go out with Juhyun and Sooyoung?” Taeil asks, trying his best to look up to you as he unties your shoes. Your head is hanging a little and you’re preoccupied by smoothing your hands over on the sheets of his bed. “Did they leave you?”

You shake your head. “Am I sleeping in here?”

Taeil hums.

“What about you?”

“I’ll sleep on the floor,” he answers.

“Don’t leave me.” Your words seem to be more of a beg as you place your hands on his shoulders, eyes wide and lips pouted again. “Can’t you stay in here with me? Please? You’ll catch a chill if you sleep on the floor. And I don’t want you to leave me, too.”

Taeil offers you a smile, nodding gently as he pulls off your second shoe. “If you want me to, I will.”

“You’re the best, Tae,” you reply, words falling from your lips without hesitation.

He can’t stop the blush on his cheeks, but he manages to change the conversation and avoid you asking him _why_ he was blushing so hard. “Do you want to get changed?”

You nod once, then a second time. Though Taeil takes his time in handing his clothes to you for you to wear, you don’t complain. You’re watching him the entire time and you don’t say a word. You’re so beautiful. Each time he looks at you he’s reminded that you’re the most beautiful person to walk the earth.

“Can you help me?”

Taeil had been preoccupied with his phone, so he’s startled by your voice that asks him for help. He does as you ask though and comes to your aid, kneeling on the floor beside you. “What’s wrong?”

“The zip,” you instruct him. He’s gentle as he unzips it for you, immediately retreating back to the corner of the room so he doesn’t disturb you for the moment. He finds some solace in Twitter until your voice is echoing around the room and leaving him in a worse state than before. “I love you, Taeil.”

He looks up to you with wide eyes, catching a glimpse of you in his old shirt. His mind goes blank for a moment and the two of you are just staring at each other for a moment or two until Taeil stutters a response. “Do you want to go to sleep now?”

“I want to talk with you.”

“About what?” Taeil asks.

You shrug. “I like hearing your voice. It’s easier for me to sleep with you talking. That’s why I call you before I go to bed.”

“We can talk, then,” Taeil says. He always assumed that you called him before you slept so you could say good night. “Why did you go out tonight?”

“Because I was mad. No, no. I was sad. And mad.”

“At what?”

You look down from Taeil and instead pull your knees up into your chest. “Do I have to say?”

“You can tell me tomorrow, if you’d like.” Taeil takes your silence as an acceptance and pulls himself up to sit on his bed beside you. He tries to keep his breathing as steady as possible so that you can’t hear his heart beating so fast. “I was worried something had happened to you.”

“I’m sorry I made you worry. I didn’t want to text you because… I always ask for your help with problems. I never try to sort them out myself! Now I see why. I just mess things up if I try to sort them out for myself.”

Taeil immediately shakes his head, resting his hand over your own that’s on your knee. “Don’t say sorry. You haven’t messed anything up, don’t worry. Are you tired?”

He takes your attempt at nodding as a yes. Taeil’s always had homely qualities, he’s always been good at caring for people because of how reserved he can be. His mother always told him that people would love him because of it. He prays on that statement as he pulls the cover over you on the other side of the bed and makes sure to cover your feet with it.

He’s also never slept with someone else beside him. He likes it. He especially likes it when you move yourself so you’re beside him and place your head on his shoulder and nuzzle into him. It’s cute, he didn’t expect it. His heart is beating so fast as he looks down to you and every part of him feels like it’s on fire.

“Thank you for getting me tonight,” you say softly. You’re looking at him from where you lay beside him, paying ultimate attention to each feature of his. He’s deadly still though, particularly when you bring your hand towards his face and you brush the ends of his hair from his eyes. “I don’t know what I would do without you, Taeil. I love you so much.”

Taeil swallows hard. He knows you’re not looking at his eyes but you are looking at him. He thinks you may be looking at his lips but he’d be making that up. “You too. I do.”

“Are you sure? You wouldn’t lie to me, would you Taeil?”

He shakes his head. “I wouldn’t lie to you.”

Then what has he been doing this whole time?

✿✿✿✿

His sleep is _so_ good, for some reason.

Taeil has never been the best sleeper. He often wakes up in the middle of the night and can’t get back to sleep because there’s too much on his mind. If he doesn’t wake up in the middle of the night then he wakes up around six or seven am with the worst headache and can’t get back to sleep again. In all honesty, he _hates_ sleeping.

But he didn’t wake up in the middle of the night last night, and he’s sure it’s not seven am when he opens his eyes and almost has a heart attack from what he sees.

You’re here, your head is on his chest and your arm is slung around him to hold him close to you.

He has to pinch himself to make sure that he’s _definitely_ not dreaming, but he starts to remember last night and he realises that this is definitely real. You’re here with him. A smile starts to form on his lips as he looks down to you and watches your steady breathing and slight movements in your sleep.

Taeil stays like that for a while. You’re so peaceful and he feels like he’s at peace here. His heart is beating so fast and he knows that if you wake up you’d think he was having some kind of seizure, but he can’t steady it no matter he tries to do.

When you wake up, he should confess. He should just say everything that he’s always wanted to say and get it over with so that you’re no longer in the dark and he can at least know that he’ll be rejected by you. He’s so scared of that possible rejection that he can’t do it. He can’t tell you. You’re with Chanyeol too. _Chanyeol_.

The possibility of him ever confessing this morning is crushed when you do wake up, though. He can’t even speak as you groan slightly and look up to him with wide eyes. You don’t try to push away from him though, you’re just as surprised as he was to find you in this position.

“Good morning,” you say softly. Taeil swallows hard as he watches you closely. You look down from his eyes to his lips and then back to his eyes as you bite down on your own lip. His heart pounds a little faster. “What time is it?”

Taeil stutters his reply. “It’s just gone ten.”

“Are you not meant to be at work?” you question, sitting up immediately. Taeil almost whines at the lack of contact now between you both but manages to keep quiet. He wouldn’t have been able to answer anyway – he’s enthralled by _you_.

How your hair looks so perfect in the morning. How beautiful you looked in the morning. He’s practically stunned where he’s laid by everything about you and there’s nothing he can do about it because even if you _did_ love him back, he’d never understand why. How perfect _you_ are.

“It’s a Saturday. I’m not at work today.”

You slowly nod. “Right. I forgot. Sorry.”

“Why do you keep apologising to me?” Taeil asks. He makes at attempt at sitting up, too, but ends up leaning on his elbows so he’s a little closer to you.

“When else have I said sorry?” you ask. Your expression is blank for a moment, but then your eyes widen and you’re looking over to Taeil with a touch of fear. “Oh _god_. What did I say last night? No. What did I _do_ last night?”

Taeil fakes a laugh to make you less tense. Obviously you were worried about what had happened and he didn’t want you to worry about it because nothing happened. He doesn’t want you to worry about anything. “Nothing, honestly. Someone called me to come and get you because the people you were with left you.”

“Who called you?”

“The bartender. He was nice, actually. I think he saved you from having a strange night. But you didn’t say anything or do anything that you should be worried about. Johnny and I brought you back here and you ended up watching part of a drama with Sicheng and Yuta before you went to bed. Nothing happened.”

You’re silent for a moment. You look down at your lap instead of following Taeil’s gaze, lips slightly pouted and eyes filled with some kind of regret. He takes the opportunity to throw a hand through his hair and make sure it looks half decent.

“Thanks for saving me, Taeil,” you say softly. Taeil looks up to you for you to continue, but instead you still look down at your lap and play with the edge of his covers to distract yourself. “Chanyeol and I broke up.”

Taeil raises his eyebrows. “Why’d you break up?”

“He told me that I wasn’t good enough for him.” Your words are flat and there’s pain to them. You won’t look over to him. “I should have realised. He took so long to answer my texts and he always has that flock of girls around him who look like they could be models. I don’t really know what made me think I was special.”

“You’re too good for _him_ , not the other way around.”

You meet Taeil’s words with a smile, looking across to him for a second. “You’re my best friend. You’re supposed to say that to me.”

“No, I mean it.” Taeil pauses when you look up to him again and opts to look down at his own hands. He finds himself nervous and his hands are slightly clammy. He takes a deep breath and just says it. “You are special. Anyone would be lucky to have you. Chanyeol doesn’t care about anyone but himself. Don’t blame yourself because he can’t see how perfect you really are.”

It’s quiet in the room. The lack of words is sending him insane because you’re not answering him and he’s not sure if you’re mad at him or you’re happy or… You don’t want him to say such things to you. His eyes are begging for you to say something to him. _Anything_.

Because Taeil rarely ever compliments people. If he does compliment you then it’s likely that there’s a problem. He’s too shy to ever tell someone specifically what he likes about them, unless it’s you. He could bring up a million things he loved about you. To say them to your face though? He’d have to be drunk to the point of no return before he said anything out loud.

“Why don’t you have a girlfriend?” you ask. He thinks that you’re joking but your face is serious. “Taeil, you’d be the best boyfriend a girl could have. Why don’t you find a girl you like and date her. All the love you have is going to be wasted, otherwise.”

Taeil waits before answering. His mind is filled with ways to answer but he knows he’ll never find the answer you want to hear. “I’m waiting.”

“Until what?”

“Until…” He looks away from you and to the clock on his wall, deciding that maybe the best thing to do would be to leave and forget this conversation ever happened. He couldn’t say until he found someone he liked, and he couldn’t say until the person he liked did actually like him back because you’d try to help him with that. “Do you want some lunch?”

“You don’t want to answer my question?”

Taeil shakes his head. “Forget about relationships today. There’s more to life than love.”

“That’s easy for you to say,” you answer, a shy smile placed on your lips.

Taeil’s never really known why you always wanted to get someone new to date. In school he assumed it was because you wanted to have more friends, but since then he’d barely put any thought to it whatsoever. He’d never really considered _why_ you looked for love with other people so often.

First there was Jongin in high school who was every girl’s perfect guy. A dancer who could sing and rap and act. He was kind and sweet but you broke up with him because he asked you to pick between him and Taeil. It was no question to you about picking Taeil.

Then there was Jongdae. You studied with him too, but didn’t really pick up any relationship with him until after you left school. Taeil didn’t mind Jongdae but he was rather loud. You two broke up because of that very thing – apparently reserved was more you type.

Minseok was someone you said you had met on the train when he saved your purse from being left on your seat. He was nice, he was more reserved than Jongdae but still nice. He often came to the café to ask Taeil his opinion on things he should get for you. He seemed just as smitten with you as Taeil was, but you broke up with him because he wasn’t _right_ for you.

Sehun was another one that Taeil liked. He was the first guy you seemed to really like, as well. He was sarcastic and witty and Johnny loved him. Most people did. He was protective over you and he was tall and belonged on an advert for boyfriend goals. When he left for China you were devastated but a few days with Taeil and you were fine again.

And now Chanyeol. The first one you’d been with since Sehun.

“I’m never going to date again,” you state. You wait for a moment before laying back beside Taeil and sighing. He lays back down with you and is sure to keep his gaze centred on you. “If I don’t date anyone then they can’t break up with me, and I can’t cause problems for you. It’s a win-win situation.”

Taeil frowns. Has he mentioned before how much he wants to kiss everything better? He should have done it in high school when he cared less about rejection. “You don’t cause any problems for me.”

“I’m freeloading off you because I got drunk cause some boy said I wasn’t good enough. I’m causing problems. I even stole your bed for the night and probably let made you have the most uncomfortable night sleep ever.”

“Why do you always think you’re such a problem to me?” Taeil asks.

You sigh and lean your head back. “I’m always asking you for help and I feel like I don’t give you anything back in return. It’s not really fair, is it?”

“But we’re friends,” Taeil tells you. You keep your eyes shut, but he carries on regardless. “If you were that much of a problem then I wouldn’t still be here. You’re my friend. You’re my _best_ friend and I would do anything for you. I would fight Chanyeol if you asked me too, even if he’s double my height. Being my best friend is thanks enough for asking me for help. You don’t have to give me things in order for me to do things for you. Friendship doesn’t work like that.”

Or maybe that’s just him. He doesn’t have anyone else in his life that’s he’s as close to as he is with you. You’re the only one he’ll tell anything to. Well, apart from how much he loves you. He’d tell you anything else though, because he trusts you with it. So he’s not really sure if friendships are meant to be like that. He can only hope that they are for your sake.

He doesn’t even know if you have anyone else that you’re _best_ friends with. You’ve got friends but he doesn’t know how close you are to them. It would be too conceited of him to think he’s the only one you’re _that_ close to.

“How comes it feels like you’re the only one that will say that to me, though?”

✿✿✿✿

There’s a silence that looms around the two of you – Taeil and you that is – which Taeil keeps trying to get rid of. It’s not working, though. He can’t seem to interrupt whatever silence is between you because he has no idea what caused it. He has no idea what to say to you in response to it.

He could apologise for it, but he’s not really sure an apology is what you want.

“Are you busy tomorrow?” Taeil asks. He gets you to look up from the menu you’re holding for the briefest of seconds but it’s as if you don’t want to really be here with him. “I was wondering if you wanted to come with me to go somewhere, but it’s okay if not.”

You hum as though you’re thinking, cocking your head to the side. “What time?”

“Around four?”

“I think I might be doing something,” you answer. Taeil’s not sure if you’re lying. He hopes you’re not but if you are it wouldn’t surprise him too much. He deserves it for being so distant.

He just keeps getting the reoccurring thought in his mind that you and Taeil are together. He’s not even sure where it came from. Probably because the two of you were together that night and you looked so close to him. He’s jealous of Sicheng because you like him. Why can’t you like Taeil? That’s all he wants.

Even if he still texts you back as soon as he can, his answers are blank and have barely any energy in them. “I said that I’d go to the pet store with Sicheng. He’s looking for a present for his cousin. You can come if you like.”

Taeil misses where you invite him to come with you. He’s stuck on the fact you’re going with Sicheng. A burning jealousy starts to rip him apart inside and he can’t seem to stop every thought that enters his mind from contributing to it.

“Sicheng?” He asks.

You nod.

“Why are you going with Sicheng?” Taeil asks again. He realises he sounds harsh, but when the words leave his mouth he can’t do anything about it. He can act like he never said it or he can apologise. When you look up to him with a frown he manages to stutter out his own version of an apology. “I mean, you can go with him obviously but I didn’t know you were both that close.”

“No one else was free so he asked me to go with him,” you tell Taeil.

Taeil feels bad. He shouldn’t have reacted like he did. “Sorry I just—”

“Don’t apologise,” you tell him, offering a smile. You reach across the table to pick up his menu and place it in his hands so that he can read it. “Do you know what you want to order? We should probably do it soon so that we don’t have to wait ages. It usually gets busy soon.”

So you order, and it’s silent again after. Taeil’s idly playing with his cutlery and you’re sending a text to someone that he assumes to be Sicheng after he tries his luck with looking over to your phone. It’s never _this_ quiet between you and he wants to say something. He’d tried earlier but that failed which meant he had to try something else.

It’s like his mind goes blank though and he can’t think of anything that you both like. It’s like you’ve not been friends for all these years and he’s stuck on one of those awkward first dates with you. He hates it. He doesn’t want to feel this awkward sitting across from you.

But he can’t help it.

So he stays quiet, looking over to you like a lost puppy that needs direction. He shakes his hand through his hair to make it a little messier and he rubs his eyes to make sure that there’s nothing on them. He even goes as far as licking his bottom lip to make it less dry. There’s a group of girls at another table that he notices are talking about the two of you, and his heart sinks.

 _What a cute couple_. They think that he’s cute, he looks like an idol with his hair like that. They also say that you two match each other. They’re in high school, they know barely anything about the world around them and yet they’re still talking about you two as if they do know you. Hell, they mistook you for actually being together.

Like a lot of people do, actually. Not that Taeil ever admits that to himself. He hates other people encouraging this relationship between the two of you that will never work.

“Is everything okay, Taeil?” you ask. Your voice catches him off-guard, and even though he hears your question quite clearly he has to ask to hear it again. “I said is everything okay.”

“Everything’s fine. I’m just tired today.”

You hum. Though your gaze lingers on him for a while, you look down to his hands and ultimately place your hand over his own. He’s quick to hear the girls that are watching gush but you don’t. “Tae. You can tell me if there’s a problem. Even if you’ve got half the mafia in Korea chasing you, I’ll hide you in my attic until they think you’re dead. I don’t believe that you’ve just been tired for the past few weeks.”

“I really am tired,” Taeil says. He can’t bring his other hand to put over your own because he’s sweating a little too much for him to feel comfortable. “There’s a lot going on right now. Taeyong’s taking loads of days off and I have to work almost everyday. And I’m also… I’m worried about you, too.”

“Me?”

Taeil nods slowly. “I don’t want you to let Chanyeol get you down.”

“He’s not,” you tell Taeil.

He’d love to believe you but he can’t. He knows you liked Chanyeol deep down. You’d have to like him for him to replace Sehun. “Don’t let him stop you from dating, though. Not every guy is like that even if we all do seem like we act that way. There are good guys out there.”

“If I wanted to find a good guy then I might as well date you.”

“Me?” Taeil repeats. It echoes your earlier question. “That’s not what I meant. I mean, what you makes you even think I’m a good guy? You’ve never been in a relationship with me so you’d never know.”

Despite your nod at his statement, you have words to say. “You’re the only guy who’s made sure I didn’t die when I was drunk. You’re the only guy who’s missed work three days in a row because _I_ was sick. You’re the only guy who I’ve ever really trusted. That’s reason enough for you to appear as _good_ to me.”

Taeil doesn’t answer. He looks across into the distance behind you so that you can’t question him anymore and he tries to avoid any and all eye contact with you. He’s always drawn to you that it’s _hard,_ but he knows that he can pull through if he keeps looking towards the back of the room. You won’t bring him being your boyfriend up again.

“Taeil. You’re always so down on yourself. Why do you always think that you’re not good enough? Anyone would be lucky to have you. Even if you think that you’d be a terrible boyfriend, you can’t give yourself that title! You know that every guy who considers themselves a terrible boyfriend is actually the sweetest, most lovely boy to exist. And you’re exactly that.”

He meets your eyes for a fraction of a second. “You _have_ to say those things.”

“Yeah. I do. Because they’re true.”

He wants to believe you. He really does.

But the reality of the situation is Taeil sitting in silence as you eat and barely responding to your questions. He’s jealous. He’s possessive. He’s everything that girls don’t want. He’s everything that _you_ don’t want. It’s like everything you tell him goes in one ear and out the other.

He just can’t see himself ever being enough.

✿✿✿✿

Taeil finds himself sitting alone in the cold room that’s silenced. The lack of words is sending him to the own depths of insanity and it’s getting to him.

He’s never _really_ been this alone.

If he wasn’t so easily jealous then this wouldn’t be a problem. Taeil hated the fact that he couldn’t give in to his own emotions and just text you back. He felt as though he was weak if he did that. If he told you it was all fine then you’d never know and he’d been stuck in this circle of heartbreak and happiness for the rest of his life.

He thinks that this hurts more because the one you want to be with is Sicheng.

His friend. The one person Taeil knows that would never even hurt a fly. The kindest, most sweet boy to exist in the world who loves to be looked after and is cute enough for even the most manly of men to fall for him.

Dong Sicheng would _never_ break your heart, and that’s what Taeil hates the most.

“Hyung.” A quiet voice calls through the door and it startles Taeil. He immediately locks his phone and pushes it to the side, attempting to run his fingers through his hair to seem a little more presentable. He says for the person to come in, but he wishes he didn’t when a head pokes through the slightly open door. “Are you okay?”

Of course Sicheng would be here to check if he was okay. Yuta was always engrossed in his own business and Johnny was always working. Taeil has to bite back the words that are on the tip of his tongue. He _hated_ emotions.

“I’m okay,” Taeil replies.

“Do you want something to eat? You haven’t come out of here in… since yesterday morning.”

Taeil shakes his head. He can barely spare Sicheng a glance in the fear he’ll say something he regrets, or even _do_ something. “I’m fine, don’t worry about me.”

Though he expects to be left alone, Sicheng remains in the corner of the room by the door. He looks down to Taeil with concern but doesn’t say anything. The boy is a walking, talking pot of gold that everyone always wants to take from. He’s happy to help anyone, though.

Taeil guesses that’s why you like him. Sicheng is the perfect boyfriend. Multilingual, sweet and caring. He’s taller than Taeil too. He’s probably warm and great to cuddle with. Everything about Sicheng is so much more appealing than Taeil and it sends another surge of jealously through his body.

“Hyung, if there’s something wrong, please tell me. I just want to help,” Sicheng says. He waits for a moment beside the door and then moves so he can sit beside Taeil. The elder sees to wither away from his presence by Sicheng says nothing. “Is it about (y/n)?”

Taeil swallows hard. He’d have been able to lie about it if he wouldn’t have looked up to Sicheng as soon as he mentioned your name. His eyes are wide and his lips are dry. All it took was for someone else to mention your name for him to realise just how much he really did miss you.

“She told me that you weren’t answering her. Did something happen?”

“No.”

Sicheng raises a brow. His hand barely touches Taeil’s shoulder before Taeil’s shrugging it off and shifting away from the touch of another. He feels bad but he can’t help it. “Hyung.”

“I’m not answering her, no,” Taeil says. He bites his tongue from lashing out at Sicheng – the boy doesn’t even _know_ how Taeil feels for you _–_ and instead sighs as his shoulders drop. “It’s been awkward since she stayed here that night.”

“When she was drunk? Did she say something to you?” Sicheng asks.

Taeil can’t say that it’s what you _didn’t_ say that really hurts him. He’d rather you have confessed any feelings you _didn’t_ have for him when you were sober and knew what you were saying. But you’d been so close to him that night. You’d slept in his arms and you’d given him the first real view of what it could be like if he just admitted how he felt.

He’d hugged his pillow last night and tried to pretend it was you, but it would never be as good. He tries to imagine that night over and over. When you brushed the hair from his eyes. When you were staring down at his lips.

“What did she say to you?” Taeil returns, ignoring the pain in his heart.

Sicheng bites down on his lip for a moment. He’s thinking back to _that_ night and the time that he’d spent with you. Taeil didn’t know what you said to him. Taeil didn’t even know what you two had said since then. But instead of answering, the younger pulls his phone from his pocket and opens it onto his chat with you.

“You can read it. She’s worried that she’s done something wrong. If there’s a problem between you two then you should sort it out because… you’re alone in here and she’s alone too. You two have always been together and even Yuta thought something was wrong when you didn’t leave you room last night. You haven’t been eating because of whatever’s happened between the two of you.”

He takes Sicheng’s phone with care, not particularly wanting to have his heart broken some more. He expects a contact name that will make his skin crawl but instead he just sees your name written with a Chinese character next to it. Taeil vaguely recognises it as the Chinese name that Sicheng had given you a while ago.

The conversation that the two of you had is completely unexpected, too.

There’s not a text that isn’t about you and Taeil. Sicheng had asked if you were okay because he hadn’t seen you in a while, and after that you had only been mentioning him.

His heart sinks when he reads that you miss him, too. That you went to the café to try and say hi but Taeyong said that he wasn’t there. That you’d tried calling but there was no answer and you were starting to think that he hated you.

“I could never hate her,” Taeil says. He looks up to Sicheng and meets his eyes, shaking his head in disbelief. “No, I don’t. I just… it’s complicated. There’s lots of things to it.”

“Like what?”

Taeil looks down to the ground. He’s not sure if he can outright say it because he’s still not sure if you like Sicheng or not. He decides that he should find out the latter first. “Did (y/n) tell you she liked you?”

Sicheng’s face is blank. He shakes his head but he looks nervous; perhaps he feels as though he’s being pulled into whatever problem there is here. He never gives any verbal answer and Taeil wishes he’d have been more certain about his answer.

“So you two aren’t that close?”

“She only messages me to check on you or talk about you. We don’t talk that much, not unless you two are here together and I am too.”

Taeil swallows again, this time to try and get rid of the sick feeling in his stomach. “But I’ve seen her texting you a lot. When we’ve been together she was always texting you. I thought that you two… were together”

“Did you not talk to her because you thought we were dating?” Sicheng questions.

“No, no!” Taeil’s defence of his own actions is weak. He did start ignoring you because of that exact reason, but Sicheng wouldn’t understand unless he knew the whole story. No matter what way he looked at it, Taeil is an asshole for this. He’s ruined things with you. “I’m jealous. I’m stupid, but I’m so jealous of everything.”

Sicheng looks surprised He raises an eyebrow and cocks his head to the side. “You’re jealous of me and (y/n)?”

Taeil doesn’t answer for a moment. He looks back down to the slightly dimmed phone screen that he holds in his hand which has his mind twisted. _I don’t want to ever lose him_. He doesn’t want to lose you too. He worries it might be too late to say anything. He has to start somewhere.

“I’m jealous of everyone.”

There’s a silence. Sicheng has to process the information before he can answer. “Do you… like her?”

“I think that I’ve been in love with her since I first knew her,” Taeil states. He sighs again and looks away from Sicheng, fingers pulling on his sleeves from nerves. “When we were in school together I would always see her around and I couldn’t ever look away. I’d watch her from the other side of class and my heart would miss a few beats if she looked back over to me. Every minute we’re together I dedicate more and more of myself to her. Even if she just sees me as her best friend, I don’t think that I could fall out of love with her. I love her too much.”

“You think that she doesn’t like you back?” Sicheng says. He seems to be in disbelief. Taeil isn’t surprised; this is the first time he’s ever admitted how he feels and even though it feels good, he won’t ever do it again.

So Taeil nods. He can’t see a time or a place in his lifetime where the feelings he has for you are reciprocated.

“And you’re not talking to her because of it?” Sicheng continues to ask. It makes Taeil feel bad. He should be the most mature but he’s acting like a school girl who has a crush on an idol. Sicheng is younger than him and shouldn’t have to listen to this. “She likes you back.”

“What do you mean?”

“When you went to get her some clothes that night and she sat with me, I couldn’t really understand what she was saying because her words were slurred but I could make out one thing. She was talking about how much she wanted you to come back because you were the only one who was ever there for her when she needed someone. Then she asked me why you never got a girlfriend and said she didn’t want to date anymore. Well… she wouldn’t date anyone unless it was you.”

Taeil’s mind is blank. He’s staring at Sicheng but has no idea what to say.

Because in every fantasy of his where you two were together, there was never one where you liked him back. It was always a fantasy of how you felt bad for him and dated him out of pity because he never had a girlfriend, or you both being single for too long and ending up together so your parents didn’t get mad at you.

One where you liked him back?

Impossible.

“Do you not see the way that she looks at you?” Sicheng asks, catching Taeil’s attention. His wide eyes are enough of an answer. “She’d do anything for you. She always texts me to make sure you’re okay and that you’ve been eating. Are you that oblivious to how she feels about you?”

He is. He wants to laugh about it. To make a joke out of it because this seems near impossible to it.

The dark cloud that’s been following him around is starting to lift from him. His mind runs back to all those times you’d been looking over to him and he’d caught you staring but convinced himself he was wrong. When you’d held onto his hand because you were scared and hugged him because you were cold. All the little things that he’d told himself he was overreacting about meant more to him now than before.

A world where you two could be together was starting to seem more probable now.

Sicheng was his sciamachy.

✿✿✿✿

_Can you meet me? Please?_

Taeil feels bad because he hasn’t text you in so long, but he needed to say _something_. Anything would have made him feel better. Though he’d been anxious that Sicheng had lied to him about everything he said, he was still going to give this a chance because he would have done _anything_ for there to be a chance you’d like him back.

A part of him, even just the smallest part, believed that Sicheng wasn’t lying to him. Sicheng was a good person. Taeil had already established that a thousand times over and it was the main reason he was _so_ convinced that _you_ were in love with him.

He shakes the thought out of his head. He needs to stay focused on what’s happening now. If he gets too nervous he’ll back out of this and Johnny will force him back here and confess for him.

 _That_ may just be as embarrassing as not being able to confess this entire time.

So he adjusts the jacket he’s wearing, fingers still clutching at the bunch of flowers he holds in his hands that he’s waiting to give to you. He hopes you’ll recognise them as those flowers you said you wanted for your wedding. Oh god, does it look like he’s proposing to you? No, no, it’s not meant to look like that!

His face practically goes white as he looks down at the flowers he’s holding. This was a bad idea. He feels like every part of his body is starting to shake and he’s not ready to do this.

What did Johnny say? Keep calm and just breathe. You’re his best friend and you won’t hurt him as badly as he thinks. Just because Taeil thinks you don’t love him back, doesn’t mean you don’t _actually_ love him back. Johnny says that he’ll be surprised by what you’ve got to say to him. Johnny and Sicheng both agree that you two are perfect for each other.

But you haven’t answered his text and he’s _worried_. There’s a part of him, possibly a different part to that part that thinks Sicheng wasn’t lying, which thinks you hate him for being such an asshole to you the past few days. How can you stay best friends with someone that doesn’t even want to talk to you.

_Taeil. You’re always so down on yourself. Why do you always think that you’re not good enough?_

Your words echo through his mind as he stares across the park. There’s some kids playing here with their parents and a few couples walking through. Even some students sitting by the pond and talking. They’d think he was stupid for all of this. If they were in his shoes they would have confessed so long ago.

They’d—

“Taeil!”

He stands up and looks across to where he hears his name called. His eyes are wide when he sees you. You seem to be worried, you look like you’ve ran all the way here and you’re not even wearing a coat. Though Taeil wants to throw a thousand questions at you, he remains still with his hands by his side and eyes wide.

You don’t call his name again. Instead, you run towards him and you throw your arms around him when you get to him. He’s too startled to say anything and instead stands dead straight, not daring to even move his hands an inch.

“Taeil,” you mumble softly, words muffled by his coat that you’re sunken in to. Your head is buried in his chest and you hold him so tightly that even the wind that is slowly becoming more and more bitter doesn’t hurt him. “I thought something had happened!”

“What do you mean?”

You pull back from Taeil with wide eyes and gapped lips. “Are you joking? Taeil, Johnny told me that you had been sat out here for the past few days and were refusing to come home until I spoke to you!”

“He what?”

“This isn’t funny!” You pull back from him and even though your eyes are a little glassy you don’t rub them. You push at his chest and shake your head. “Taeil! I was really worried about you! Then you weren’t replying to my texts and I thought you had been kidnapped or something!”

Taeil shakes his head. He’s just as confused as you are. “I haven’t been out here for the past few days. I just came here today to meet you here. I text you earlier but you never replied to me.”

“No you didn’t.”

“I did!” Taeil argues back. He pulls his phone from his pocket and shows you the screen that had _one_ text to you on it. “See, I asked you to meet me here and you didn’t answer.”

You look blankly at him. Though your movements are slow, you pull your phone out too and show it to him. “See, I text you. You didn’t answer either.”

Neither of you speak for a moment. Whilst Taeil isn’t quite sure what’s going on, he’s sure that you don’t have the slightest clue either. He’s trying to think of anything that Johnny would have said that could have led to this happening but nothing comes to mind. He’d just let Johnny use his phone to text you and…

Johnny had spent quite a while his phone.

Taeil decides to check the contact name you’re under. He knows your number by heart anyway – he’s been in too many situations where Johnny and Yuta had switched their numbers with yours to see what you two talk about. He guesses that something must have happened with Johnny when he took his phone.

 _That’s it_! That asshole changed his number to the number registered over your contact. Taeil feels his blood boiling at the thought of it.

“Check my contact on your phone,” Taeil says. He shows you his phone screen again and he smiles to himself, relived that this wasn’t going to ruin his chances of today going reasonably well. “Johnny changed your number to his. I can’t believe him. Did he do the same on yours?”

You cock your head to the side as you shake your head. “No. I haven’t seen Johnny, that’s impossible.”

“Check the contact though,” Taeil says.

“Oh!” You show your screen to Taeil and he’s right, Johnny’s number is listed under his name on your phone too. “I don’t think that Johnny would have done it. But… I was with Yuta and Sicheng a few days ago. They used my phone to call for food. Do you think it was them?”

Taeil scoffs. “Of course it was them. Yuta used to do this to me all the time.”

He take a sigh of relief that he hadn’t blanked texts from you asking if he was okay. Of course there was the ones from before but that was different to this. If he knew there was a problem he’d have answered but… he never got the texts anyway. He finds himself laughing slightly at how stupid this all sounds. Almost as stupid to holding onto your feelings for years and years because you were scared.

“Why’d they have done it though?” You ask him.

“Prank maybe?” Taeil suggests. He loves talking with you. He remembers when you told him that you slept easier when you heard his voice before you slept and in a way, his life is easier when he hears your voice too. He notices you eyeing the flowers in his hand and he remembers his plan. “Oh. These are for you. I guess as an apology. And…yeah.”

He holds the flowers out for you to take, almost pushing them into your hands so he doesn’t feel as awkward. “These are beautiful, Taeil. I didn’t think you remembered what my favourite flowers were.”

“I remember everything that you say to me.”

You chuckle to yourself lightly as you smell the flowers. “Try not to sound like my stalker, Tae.”

“I didn’t mean it like that!” His defence is rather weak, especially since you’re still smiling at him from before. “I meant that…I have to tell you something. That’s why I wanted to see you today. Can we sit?”

Taeil’s theory behind Johnny changing numbers is because he thought Taeil might have backed out. Then he told you that Taeil was actually insane and that you needed to help him out, then you would have to meet and there was nothing either of you could do to back out of this. Genius. Johnny sometimes is an absolute genius.

Now that he’s actually here, sitting next to you with a chance to tell you everything, he’s nervous. There’s a lump in his throat and he keeps thinking of everything that can go wrong. It’s when you look up to him and meet his eyes he knows he has to do something and just say something to make everything less awkward even though everything is a mess in his head and he thinks his heart might burst out of his chest.

“I love you.”

 _Well_ , that was too the point, he guesses.

“What?”

You look just as confused as before. Taeil swallows hard. “I mean, I need to tell you something that’s been on my mind for a while. A long while. A few years, I guess. I’m sorry, I’m making this so awkward.”

“No, it’s fine.” Your reassurance and hand that falls onto his shoulder gives him a touch of a confidence boost. “Just tell me. I’m not going to judge you for anything. I already told you that you could tell me anything.”

Taeil hums. “Anything?”

“Anything,” you confirm.

“I think I’m in love with you,” he says. The words tumble from his lips with so little effort that it surprises his. All of the muscles in his body are tight and he feels as though he can’t breathe for a second. You’re not saying anything. “No, I take that back. I’m in love with you. I’ve been in love with for the past few years. Since we met.“

You don’t even dare to blink.

Taeil doesn’t know if he should say something else to make things better. He wants to take it back so this never happened but he feels like so much tension has left him. He’s told you the one thing he’s kept from you this entire time. It feels good. He’s happy. He just wants you to be happy too.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” You ask. Your voice is so quiet that Taeil barely hears it.

“I didn’t want to lose you as a friend,” Taeil says. He’s not lying. That was a reason at one point. It wasn’t the whole truth though. He feels like you deserve to know everything. “And because I didn’t think I was enough for you. I was never as good as dancing as Jongin and charismatic as Jongdae. Minseok was nicer than me and Sehun was witty and sarcastic. Chanyeol was rich. They were all more than I would ever be and I’d rather you be with someone who could give you everything.”

“You really think that?”

Taeil nods slowly. He barely looks up to meet your eyes before looking away. “I always wanted you to have the best. I didn’t think I was the best for you.”

When he gains some courage to look up to you, he’s surprised by the tear that’s fallen down your cheek. He watches as it nears to your jaw, but he still doesn’t move. His hands are shaking a little. He tells himself it’s the rain but he knows it’s because he’s scared for what you’ll say next.

If you say anything at all, that is. You’re only looking back to him with glassy eyes and next to no expression on your face. No. You look sad. Sorrowful, even.

“I never meant to make you feel like that.”

“You never did. I just… I thought they’d make you happier than I could and all that I wanted was for you to be happy. I thought I could get over how I felt for you but I never could. I’m sorry.”

“Why are you still saying sorry to me?” You ask. You place the flowers he’d given you down on the bench and reach over so you can take his hand into your own. He relaxes a little at the feeling your thumb stroking over the back of his hand. “Taeil, can I not tell you how I feel too?”

Taeil hesitates to nod.

“Do you know why I broke up with Jongin and Jongdae and Minseok?” He knows what you’ve told him before. He wants to nod but doesn’t. “Because they weren’t you.”

“But I thought…”

“When we were in school I would lay awake at night and plan out my future and I always saw you in it. You never showed any interest back to me so I tried to get over it. Jongin was never good enough for me. Jongdae and Minseok neither. No matter how much I tried to imagine being with them in the future I never could. There was always something that I could fault them for. Jongin was never as trustworthy as you are. Jongdae was never as caring as you are. Minseok was never as selfless as you are. Sehun was the first guy I really thought was going to change things. I thought I’d have something with him but he left me because I was never really important to me. Chanyeol… he never put any value to me either. I liked them both more than the others but I realised when they broke up with me that I was missing something, and that was you. I didn’t want a relationship with them. I wanted it with you.”

He can’t talk. It takes him a moment to get his words out, too. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I didn’t think you liked me! I tried to give you hints this whole time and you never really… you didn’t answer them! I told Sicheng and he tried to convince me that you did actually liked me but didn’t believe him. Then you started ignoring me and I really thought I’d messed it up with you.”

“Will you hate me if I told you I didn’t answer because I was jealous of Sicheng?”

You shake your head. “I’ll never hate you, Moon Taeil. Even if you sell me out to the mafia and they kidnap me. You’ll always be number one in my heart.”

“I won’t sell you out to the mafia,” Taeil tells you. He stifles a laugh but keeps himself quiet when he realises that this is more serious than he’s acting. Your eyes are still classy and there’s a single tear that’s still on your cheek. Taeil, though his movements aren’t exact due to his nerves, moves his thumb across your cheek to brush it away. “Please don’t cry.”

“How can I not cry when we could have been together this whole time but both of us were to chicken to say anything to each other!”

Taeil rolls his eyes. “You’re crying like us confessing to each other is a bad thing!”

“These are happy tears, Taeil.” You look down to the ground and rub your own eyes to dry them a little, then look back to Taeil with the warmest of smiles. “I love you. Taeil, I love you so much.”

He’s never been able to tell you that he loved you. You’ve said it so many times to him and he’s always seen it as platonic. He’s never seen it as anything more.

Taeil doesn’t think you’ll see it as anything more than a confession. He thinks you’ll never know how much this means to him. For you to tell him he’s good enough and that he’s what you’ve always wanted. He couldn’t even he imagined that.

He might have just confessed all of his love to you, he still had so much more to say, but he’s shy. So shy. He has to think twice about shuffling closer to you and he almost apologises when your leg touches his own. His lip is probably bruised purple and blue from how much he’s biting it, but nothing will ever be as comforting to him as the feeling of wrapping his arms around you, and yours around him.

“I love you, too.” 

**Author's Note:**

> like I said before I did write this v quickly so It might not make a lot of sense really and there may be some parts that are a bit naff, so I’m sorry :( but I do hope you like it!! I’ve been so soft for taeil for like the past month or so and I got this idea after listening to one of my rap songs (don’t ask) bc I think taeil is literally the most amazing person ever who deserves love and attention and more love and… ya get it. my snapchat is also full of love for taeil I feel bad for people who follow me


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